Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Friday, March 16, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
As your dress in your best green outfit today so you can join in the Saint Patrick’s Day revelry, here’s a conversation that was overhead at an Irish pub in Killarney. Finnegan is sitting in his favorite corner, using some of the proceeds after selling his friend Michael a donkey. Suddenly Michael bolts in the door and yells, “Hey, Finnegan, that donkey you sold me went and died.'
Finnegan just sips his Guinness slowly and retorts, 'Bejabbers, Michael, it never done that on me.'
As we dive into the Saturday Funnies, kindly remember I write none of these; I just collect the jokes and funny stories that arrive with each new day in my email.
In the last few days, it seems I’ve gotten a bunch of political material but Saint Patty’s Day never disappoints. Before we start, please note the Irish get a huge kick out of laughing at themselves and I wish Republicans and Democrats were the same way. For instance: here is one from the Irish Times:
“Gallagher is in Boston and he is waiting patiently, also, he is watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
“The cop stops the flow of traffic and shouts, 'Okay pedestrians'.  Then he allows the traffic to pass. He did this several times, and Gallagher is still standing on the sidewalk.
“After the cop has shouted 'Pedestrians' for the tenth time, Gallagher approaches him and says, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
* * *
NO ONE HAS TO ASK VLAD’S HONEST OPINION
NO wonder Putin was selected by Forbes Magazine as the most powerful person in the world.
This is one time our elected leaders should pay attention to the advice of Vladimir Putin.
I would suggest not only our leaders, but every American citizen should pay attention to this advice.
How scary is that?
It is a sad day when a Communist leader makes more sense than so many of our elected officials in the U.S. House of Representatives and in the U.S. Senate, but here it is!
Vladimir Putin's speech - the SHORTEST SPEECH he has EVER made.
As the Russian president, Putin addressed the Duma (the Russian Parliament) and gave a speech about the tensions with minorities in Russia:
"In Russia, live like Russians.  Any minority, from anywhere, if it wants to live in Russia, to work and eat in Russia, it should speak Russian, and should respect all Russian laws. If they prefer Sharia Law, and wish to live the life of Muslims, then we now clearly advise them to go and live in those places where that's the state law.
Russia does not need Muslim minorities. Minorities need Russia, and we will not grant them special privileges, or try to change our laws to fit their desires, no matter how loud they yell 'discrimination'!
We will not tolerate disrespect of our Russian culture.
We had better learn from the suicides of so-called democracies -- America, England, France, Germany, and Holland -- if we are to survive as a nation.
The Muslims are taking over those countries, BUT they will NOT take over Russia!
Our Russian customs and traditions are not compatible with the lack of culture or the primitive ways of Sharia Law and Muslims.
When this honorable legislative body thinks of creating new laws, it should have in mind the Russian national interest.
FIRST, observing that the Muslim minorities ARE NOT Russian.”
He received a five-minute ovation.
* * *
THE BEST ANSWER OF THE WEEK
Many people think the Press Secretary, Sarah Sanders, is one of the brightest people in the current administration. She also has a quick wit about her and, if you doubt it, then read below. It's got to be the answer of the year.
During a recent press conference, a reporter with MSNBC hollered from the press corps, "Where is President Trump hiding his tax returns?
Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, astutely responded, "We've found a very secure place and I'm certain they won't be found.”
"And just where is that?" said the reporter, sarcastically.
Mrs. Sanders grinned sardonically and said, "They are underneath Obama's college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration.”
"Next question?"
* * *
HOW THE KING FOUND OUT THE WEATHER
The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few days. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
 So the king and the queen went fishing.  On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.  The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace!  In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm"
 The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.  He is an educated and experienced professional.  Besides, I pay him very high wages.  He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky.  The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.  Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey.  If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
 So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
* * *
A DRAMATIC SOLUTION TO GUN CONTROL
In 1865, a left-wing Democrat shot and killed Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States.
In 1881, a left-wing radical Democrat shot James Garfield, President of the United States - who later died from the wound.
In 1963, a left-wing socialist shot and killed John F. Kennedy, President of the United States.
In 1975, a left-wing radical Democrat fired shots at Gerald Ford, President of the United States.
In 1983, a left-wing registered Democrat shot and wounded Ronald Reagan, President of the United States.
In 1984, James Hubert, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 22 people in a McDonalds restaurant.
In 1986, Patrick Sherrill, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 15 people in an Oklahoma post office.
In 1990, James Pough, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 10 people at a GMAC office.
In 1991, George Hennard, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 23 people in a Luby's cafeteria in Killeen, TX.
In 1995, James Daniel Simpson, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 5 coworkers in a Texas laboratory.
In 1999, Larry Asbrook, a disgruntled Democrat, shot and killed 8 people at a church service.
In 2001, a left-wing radical Democrat fired shots at the White House in a failed attempt to kill George W. Bush, President of the US.
In 2003, a disgruntled Democrat, Douglas Williams, shot and killed 7 people at a Lockheed Martin plant
In 2007, a registered Democrat named Seung - Hui Cho, shot and killed 32 people in Virginia Tech.
In 2010, a registered Democrat named Jared Lee Loughner, who was later determined to be mentally-ill, shot Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and killed 6 others.
In 2011, a registered Democrat named James Holmes, went into a movie theater and shot and killed 12 people.
In 2012, a disgruntled Democrat, Andrew Engeldinger, shot and killed 7 people in Minneapolis.
In 2013, a registered Democrat named Adam Lanza, shot and killed 26 people in a school in Newtown, CT.
As recently as Sept 2013, an angry Democrat shot 12 at a Navy ship yard.
Clearly, there is a problem with Democrats and guns.
Not one NRA member, Tea Party member, or Republican conservative was involved in any of these shootings and murders.
SOLUTION: It should be illegal for Democrats to own guns.  We don't need gun control, we need Democrat control. Guns don't kill people, Democrats do!
* * *
HOW SALLY MULLIGAN QUALIFIED FOR THE JOB
Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do. Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had previously worked as a social worker and a school teacher. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary."
She starts work in the morning.
* * *
HOW A QUICK BIBLE VERSE MADE A DIFFERENCE
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled to see an intruder there.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (It says, “Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.”)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Axe and Two 38s!”
* * *
A COLLECTION OF GOLF FUNNIES
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!  "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.  The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.  "I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.   "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. 
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
- - -
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.  What's your secret?" 
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered.”
- - -
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"  The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"  The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." 
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.  The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.  The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”
- - -
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.  The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" 
"Yes" says the woman. 
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.  "How many times did you hit him?" 
"I don't know -- put me down for a five.”
- - -
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.  Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
 As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?" 
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?”
- - -
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.  She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?" 
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?
* * *
Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.
'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'


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